Day 44

Wow, the last time I wrote was on day 10. Let me tell you that things are way better. I got baptisted.... FEB. 13, 2008 @ 7PM River of Glory in Plano, TX. I'm envolved in the church 2 weekly & sometimes more. (Singles & E4) I have some great friends, amazing comversations, and lasting memories. I did however go through a drought with out sleep. I suffered from some major insomnia. It was healed only after I learned to pray for my mom, family, and friends. I felt just like Job, in scripture. Anyhow...... I'm actually going to New York a week from today! Exciting right? I will write soon.... For now, I just want to share a song I've had in my heart the last couple of days.

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat [2X]

(Refrain)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King
(Refrain)

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Day Ten

Ten stands for Responsibility/ Accountability.

Probably expains why today really SUCKED!

I have a problem with my mom. I have an unhealthy soul-tie... with my mom. I want & need desperately for her to approve of me. If she doesn't say anything negative something in my life, it's a break through! But that happens just about every other leap year.

Example:

Today I told my mom that I want to go to New York & Washington, DC to visit my good friend & to celebrate my 24th birthday.

I think she about just jumped out of her skin. She called me irresponsible, stupid, and insane. She said that "unemployed people" don't go on vacations. They save their money & sit around and do NOTHING! They certainly do not travel for fun. This is not a time for fun my mom said, this is a time to find a job & make life changes. (such as working out daily & dieting, maybe take a guitar lesson or two) She says "you'll never get a job if you don't loose weight." People don't want to hire fat people, they think they are "lazy & fat".... "that's the way society is, I don't make the rules."

When she told me last week "find yourself" what she really meant was find yourself a Job! (rolling my eyes right now as we speak) Don't find yourself going out of town on low cost travel..... Don't have FUN! Be serious all the time & live life with caution.

So basically you're nothing if you don't have a job---

MY MOM's MATH:

Skinny + Good Clothes = Job

Job + Money = Purpose

Purpose + Boyfriend (Husband/ maybe some kids) = Being a Woman.


You can't truely live unless you have a desk with your name on it & a fancy title. She said, "become a teacher & travel during the summer" LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED FOR 2 YEARS NOW TO BE A TEACHER!

I just don't know what to do anymore to please her. If I please myself, she holds it against me. She lectures me and makes me feel incomplete. If I follow her advice, I resent her, for always being safe & never experiencing the things I long to.

I feel like I'm a rock in a hard place.

I have issues with my mom. I just wanted to be loved for who I am and what I am. If it's overweight & unemployed ------- why can't that be ok for this time in my life?

I don't understand why everyone wants everyone to be cookie cutter images. Didn't GOD create us all different?

Really, I think it boils down to the fact I want my mom's UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & SUPPORT.... is that too much to ask for from a mom?

- Confused, Upset, and don't feel like I healed anything today- Just opened up some more wounds------ who was suppose to pray for me today, I think they forgot...... :(

*A total setback*

-Jac

Day Nine

The number nine means Judgment- significant of the conclusion of a matter.

I talked with someone on the phone today about my "big rejection" actually the someone re-informed me of my "big rejection" in an actual formal business type way. See before I was told through the grape-vine. Now I know for 100% sure. I am so glad for the grape-vine. Because I might have had my nervous breakdown on the phone & now I was cool, calm, collected and I saw things NOT through rose colored glasses. Everything was still going to be OKAY~!

It's funny how you can spend 7 days trying to work out your own problems with out God. And how much healing you can experience with 3 days of Prayer & support from fellow believers.

Night-time of Day nine, I went to church, praised God and ate dinner with some of my new Fast Friends. Afterwards we went to fellowship together at one of their homes. It was an amazing time.

I was reminded. One drop of Jesus' blood was enough to cover all multitudes of sin.

I am thankful for my new friends in Christ.

I am thankful for getting the "big rejection"

I am thankful that he thought enough of me to send his own son to die even though I am not worthy of such Love.


--Jac.

Day Eight

The best way you know your healed or off to a good start at least.... is to minister to others or confront the past.

Yesterday, (day eight) a good friend called me and we talked for hours. I miss talking to her. While I was telling her what God showed me for myself days ago, I realized it also speaked to her life as well. It touched my heart personally to know that God doesn't just care for me, but he cares for those I love for as well.

He implanted a new desire in my heart to travel to New York with my good friend during my 24th birthday. How awesome is it to have desires again, when I felt so dead and empty? I love it!

My roomate was home & we talked as well. I enjoy his company. He really is a great person and he has a heart for people.

Lesson Learned on day Eight..........
God implants people on your path that can minister to your heart to help heal & you can do the same.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

------ James 5:16

Day Seven

Well what do I say about day seven. I didn't do much of anything. I woke up around 1:30pm. Yep that's right in the afternoon because I had nothing to get up for. Sad but true. I woke up to find my TV on. I must have left it on all night because I remember incorporating most of the info-mercials into my dreams. Especially about this one guy who would not be quiet and really liked hearing himself talk. (talk about an annoying dream)

But I found a common denominator in my dreams. Every time there would be a dominating person, I would always go against the grain. I would fight against their opinions and establish a following of believers in what I said to be truth. It was really frustrating but really cool. I actually fell in love with someone in my last dream. Right before I awoke I was cuddling with this guy in the mist of a downpour. And all of my followers & close friend where there and it didn't matter that it was raining all over us. In fact, we were playing a battle of wits against this other group. And I was getting angry at this lady hosting the program because she was always skipping over my turn. One question was "what things would you find on a bank robber?" I was like call on me I would know this answer.... but she skipped right over me when it was clearly my turn because I was next in line. I was furious!

Guess what? When I woke up at the end of this dream.... Family Feud was playing on TV. LOL hence the dream about a game of wits.

Which just edifies the fact that we are still aware of our surroundings while we sleep. If something is whispered into our ears we can just as easily meditate on it while perfectly asleep.

I think when you have a really great GOD dream it's because he's right next to us whispering sweet things into our ears.

I just love him.

........... so back to my day. When I finally got up and did something which was around 2:30pm, I ate something little and went to my parents office to help them out.

Afterwards, I rented a movie called the EVENING. Oh is so good. It brought a desire to have a passion for life again.

I want to go out NOW and experience life and make a bunch of mistakes. Cause in life there is no mistakes. :) I especially want to fall head over heals in love, I want to stand at the edge of the world amongst the oceans & feel the wind entangle my hair, I want to smell of sea salt and run up & down the beaches. I have so much of the earth yet to experience. And so many people of the world to love. I have passion again. I thought it not possible days ago.



There a lesson I learned today about healing. Get out and have a passion for life again!

FUNNY STORY.......
BEGINNING of DAY EIGHT....
As for this morning @ 2:30 am, I was out on the porch of my apartment enjoying the breeze and the sound of wind chimes. I laid down and watched the clouds roll by. And I began to sing any song that came to mind. And then I slowly drifted out of my mind while singing. And then I stopped.... to listen to see if the Angels where singing along. (which I have heard them before) You have to be still and know that he is God. Well just out of know where. I hear a noise.... and I focus into it to discern it... It's coming from above....... CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.. Oh how embarrassing I thought, who in the world is awake at this hourly? Surely I didn't awake someone because I definitely was not singing all too loudly, mostly under my breath and unto the Lord. It was humbling to know that I was not alone. Needless to say, I stopped, got up, and went inside for the evening to write this.

GOOD EVENING,
Jac.

Day Six

Wow. So I woke up this morning in a fog. Literally and spiritually. A fog represents a time of confusion & the unseen. Although the warmth of the Lord moves in, my heart it is still cold. I'm wanting so badly to mount up on eagle's wings and soar like I did just a week & half ago. How can you be on cloud nine one day and in hell the next?

I have definitely been on an emotional roller coaster this week. To hating God, to hating myself... to being obedient & following blindly. I literally drove blindly to church this morning in the Fog!

When I got to church my heart was definitely not in it. But this song came on "Say the name of Jesus" ........... let's focus on this name. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

That's when I realized that this hour was not about how I was feeling or what I'm going through but for JESUS. I stopped worrying about what my mom was thinking of the service, how empty my heart felt and how much I despised this man, JESUS, over the last week. I just gave my self over and tried to feel JESUS.

I stopped..... listened.... and obeyed his honor while in his presence.

And guess what??

I got so much out of today.

I got a vast amount of healing. I don't feel an ounce of bitterness on me at the moment. Granted I have a while to go. But when the bitterness is gone, a hope takes its place.

I did NOT miss my calling, I did NOT fall out of the will of God. In fact, it was God's will concerning me to go through this valley. But where I am he is also. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

And not only that, I made 7 great friends today!

Do me a favor.... put this Blog aside right NOW! Please read Pslams 119. Yes all of it.

I LOVE YOU, who ever you are, where every you are..... I love you!

-Jac

Day Five

Last night I went out to meet my mom & her friend for a movie and dinner. On the way while driving on Highway 190 I got a lovely flat tire. I must have drove on it for over 7 miles. Until it really blew because I heard this loud BahBahBahBah sound. I was furious! Completely livid! I was mad.... not at myself but I at my mom for making me get out of the house and start enjoying life instead of sobbing in my apartment. The first thing to happen to me since I’ve left my apartment is this bad, terrible thing. Is the world unsafe? I now felt if I stay at home I would never get hurt.

Can you see at this point how irrational and unhealthy I’m thinking? This is why I need healing…… (cont.)

So here I was sitting on the side of the road and watching tons of people pass me by. Only one cared to stop. A nice man in a BMW. He said, "Do you need help?" I was thinking yeah in more than one way. But I politely told him my dad was on his way to my rescue. I called my mom and vented, screamed "Shit" loud enough for people in China to hear. (by the way I never cuss) I was so mad. Did I tell you how mad I was? Cause I was beyond mad. And the more mad I was the more it proved my case that I was not ready to come outside. So my mom tries to calm me down, while on the other end of the phone. At this point I'm thinking all sorts of unhealthy thoughts about how much a new Rim & Tire is going to cost me. Since I've clearly been driving on my rim for over 7 miles. I decide to wait in my car for my dad. Because it's friggin' cold outside. This is when that BMW man stopped and asked if I need help. Ok..... so I'm waiting and waiting. I finally think, I should get the spare ready. So I get out of my car and open the trunk. Then everyone and their dog stops to over help. People are doing U-turns.... just to see if I need help. I must give out that "damsel in destress vibe" big time! It's not as if I'm on the highway anymore.... I am off a construction side street far from main roads at this point. But people show up from everywhere. Everyone except my dad. So I'm cold, mad, and embarrassed at this point because I can't remember how to change a tire, and everyone and their dog thinks I'm helpless and in need of rescuing. And I'm not talking about cute fireman here people!..... I'm talking about moms & mini vans and old creepy guys.

Finally, my dad arrives. And if you ever met my dad you'd know that I'd should be expecting this long speech about how I should have remembered to check my tires before I left, how I should have pulled over immediately and not drove an additional 2 miles off the highway, and how much this is inconveniencing his day. So when he arrived the embarrassment set in more, I was 2 seconds from tears and was definitely praying that he wouldn't say a word. I was a hairline away from a complete nervous meltdown & breakdown. But to my surprise he went right to work, fix my tire in minutes, literally minutes I've never seen a tire changed that fast except on TV & movies. He didn't lecture me at all. And it ended in a hug.
Whew! is all I thought.

I missed the movie with my mom but while waiting on them to finish I soaked in a little jewelry shopping. (no I didn't buy anything) Diamonds just make a girl feel better. This is not a regular habit of mine but I've done it in the past when a good friend of mine past away and I found it therapeutic.

Dinner at Glorias.....

I laughed with my mom & jymie. I heard about their stories of rejection. Although it didn't solve all my problems, it did make what I'm going through feel a little bit more human. I didn't feel irrational anymore about how I felt. Instead, I realized that people can get over their "big rejections" and they can carry the lessons learned from them. Some people just carry that "big rejection" with them everywhere they go, and forgot the lesson. Some dream about the "big rejection" and fear reliving it again.

So here where I see this leading me. This "big rejection" that I just suffered can either carry me into the future, or I can constantly carry it in the future.

I will choose for it to carry me into the future, and leave it behind me. I am NO longer going to live with it, It will NOT rule and reign over me. I will NOT live in this fear of intimidation & fear of rejection!

Mom, thanks for the wisdom.

PS. My dad made a comment about me this week..... "Every time I'm around her, she's like a BREATH OF FRESH AIR." ---- A complement like this is a beautiful step in the right direction to healthy healing.

IN CONCLUSION…. Although, last night brought some serious revelations. I still have so much more to go on my honest journey of healing...... stay tuned.

Day Four

It's so hard looking at myself through others eyes. I'm a victim of my own weaknesses. I am NOT AN OVER COMER . And even while I write this I'm throwing myself my own pity party. I'm a two year old experiencing a tantrum, if I don't get my way or my desires for my life I am willing to throw everything away in anger. I also sickeningly jump to conclusions and blame others for my failure, including God. I am unhealed, unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful at being the person God created me to be.

So how do you change a person who wants to change but unwilling the lay themselves down to do so. Honestly, I want to carry my unhappy self around as punishment unto myself.

I don't deserve to be happy (I tell myself). No one will every like you because your personality is degrading to others.

This is when I realized that I hurt others to heal myself. Whether it be making others feel stupid or ignorant by showing how smart I am or by just plain not showing up mentally to acknowledge the great things they have done. Because if others succeed and I do not, it hurts my own ego. Who likes being Scarred?

It is easier to hate then it is to love. Perhaps that's why the greatest commandment is to love. It's easier to cut down then it is to acknowledge. Somehow when I acknowledge it reverts back to me and points out what I'm lacking. Why I don't know? This is why I need healing.

I hate being this way! I hate that hating comes easy, especially for me.

This is my process through healing. Come follow me along in my journey.....


PS. The first three days involved anger, resentment and blaming others for my own actions. I couldn't step in this direction till I made the choice to heal. Right?