Day Four

It's so hard looking at myself through others eyes. I'm a victim of my own weaknesses. I am NOT AN OVER COMER . And even while I write this I'm throwing myself my own pity party. I'm a two year old experiencing a tantrum, if I don't get my way or my desires for my life I am willing to throw everything away in anger. I also sickeningly jump to conclusions and blame others for my failure, including God. I am unhealed, unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful at being the person God created me to be.

So how do you change a person who wants to change but unwilling the lay themselves down to do so. Honestly, I want to carry my unhappy self around as punishment unto myself.

I don't deserve to be happy (I tell myself). No one will every like you because your personality is degrading to others.

This is when I realized that I hurt others to heal myself. Whether it be making others feel stupid or ignorant by showing how smart I am or by just plain not showing up mentally to acknowledge the great things they have done. Because if others succeed and I do not, it hurts my own ego. Who likes being Scarred?

It is easier to hate then it is to love. Perhaps that's why the greatest commandment is to love. It's easier to cut down then it is to acknowledge. Somehow when I acknowledge it reverts back to me and points out what I'm lacking. Why I don't know? This is why I need healing.

I hate being this way! I hate that hating comes easy, especially for me.

This is my process through healing. Come follow me along in my journey.....


PS. The first three days involved anger, resentment and blaming others for my own actions. I couldn't step in this direction till I made the choice to heal. Right?