Time Lapse.. Chapter One

I've been writing and Re-writing constantly working on this book for publishing. Sometimes writing can be such a horrid process because you have this imaculate image in your head of the scene taking place- but the paper doesn't do it justice. Brings a whole new meaning to the saying "Words could not describe."

Here's an excert from my first unfinished rough draft of Chapter One:


I walk into room C223. And I am the first one there. I surveyed the room and found twenty-five desks in 4 rows, at the front of the room sat a single stool. I take a seat in the third row, third seat back. The middle of the room is a great place to blend in. Building C is the newest addition to Jefferson Senior High, and this class room still smells of fresh paint. The walls are white and no light could possibly escape their grasp. I am sure this plotted color scheme keeps students from falling asleep. This room is void of all character. Even the desk I am sitting in looks bran new, no drawings or pen marks from students prior. And to no surprise, this particular room was chosen to host the worst of all subjects- math.
Not that I detest math, I am rather good at solving equations; but math holds no passion for me. Math was logical and everything had a place and worked out perfectly. You do absolutely no wrong with mathematics. Maybe this is why math was my least favorite subject. There was no adventure, excitement or mystery involved with calculations. Everything in math had an answer. And my life was completely void of answers.
I look up from examining my new desk and find the classroom almost full. I recognize only a couple of faces, no one particularly familiar or excited to see. Almost instantly, I search for a clock on the wall but there was not one present. Obviously another ploy to keep the students focused on the classroom exercises. Mr. Wilson passes out the syllabus and when he opens his mouth all I can make out is, ‘Blah, blah, blah, test, blah, blah, attendance is mandatory and school policy.’
Again frustrated, I look around the room for a clock hoping maybe I missed it the first time. Who forgets to put a clock in a classroom? How do they expect us, to remain sane? This was my idea of high school purgatory if there was such a thing.
Well shoot! That’s disappointing, still there isn’t one to be found. Note to self wear a watch. I will just have to sit and wait for… RING! The loud screaming sound startled my thoughts and made me jumped out of my chair. The girl behind me just giggled at my reaction. Glad I could provide some amusement!
Everyone got out of their chairs within seconds, hurrying without haste to the door and into the hallways. Hallways are the only place students are free; even if we only move about to the next class. Five complete minutes to our selves. Five minutes for most senior high drama to go down. Today, I am in no hurry to fight my way down the hallways. Slowly I get up and wait for the room to clear. Grab my stuff and swing my back pack over my left shoulder. I look up only to find him waiting for me at the door.

The Healing continues...

Perhaps, a lot of time has passed since I've last entered into this blog. Healing is definately a process. I don't think the wounds from my "big rejection" have completely closed up & vanished. I did find that a lot of people from that company are no longer employed, and they they lost their jobs due to the economic hardships.

I've actually have had other pains & rejections along the path of healing from the first "big rejection". I am sure that's to be expected.

I will check back and update soon...

Day 44

Wow, the last time I wrote was on day 10. Let me tell you that things are way better. I got baptisted.... FEB. 13, 2008 @ 7PM River of Glory in Plano, TX. I'm envolved in the church 2 weekly & sometimes more. (Singles & E4) I have some great friends, amazing comversations, and lasting memories. I did however go through a drought with out sleep. I suffered from some major insomnia. It was healed only after I learned to pray for my mom, family, and friends. I felt just like Job, in scripture. Anyhow...... I'm actually going to New York a week from today! Exciting right? I will write soon.... For now, I just want to share a song I've had in my heart the last couple of days.

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat [2X]

(Refrain)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King
(Refrain)

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Day Ten

Ten stands for Responsibility/ Accountability.

Probably expains why today really SUCKED!

I have a problem with my mom. I have an unhealthy soul-tie... with my mom. I want & need desperately for her to approve of me. If she doesn't say anything negative something in my life, it's a break through! But that happens just about every other leap year.

Example:

Today I told my mom that I want to go to New York & Washington, DC to visit my good friend & to celebrate my 24th birthday.

I think she about just jumped out of her skin. She called me irresponsible, stupid, and insane. She said that "unemployed people" don't go on vacations. They save their money & sit around and do NOTHING! They certainly do not travel for fun. This is not a time for fun my mom said, this is a time to find a job & make life changes. (such as working out daily & dieting, maybe take a guitar lesson or two) She says "you'll never get a job if you don't loose weight." People don't want to hire fat people, they think they are "lazy & fat".... "that's the way society is, I don't make the rules."

When she told me last week "find yourself" what she really meant was find yourself a Job! (rolling my eyes right now as we speak) Don't find yourself going out of town on low cost travel..... Don't have FUN! Be serious all the time & live life with caution.

So basically you're nothing if you don't have a job---

MY MOM's MATH:

Skinny + Good Clothes = Job

Job + Money = Purpose

Purpose + Boyfriend (Husband/ maybe some kids) = Being a Woman.


You can't truely live unless you have a desk with your name on it & a fancy title. She said, "become a teacher & travel during the summer" LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED FOR 2 YEARS NOW TO BE A TEACHER!

I just don't know what to do anymore to please her. If I please myself, she holds it against me. She lectures me and makes me feel incomplete. If I follow her advice, I resent her, for always being safe & never experiencing the things I long to.

I feel like I'm a rock in a hard place.

I have issues with my mom. I just wanted to be loved for who I am and what I am. If it's overweight & unemployed ------- why can't that be ok for this time in my life?

I don't understand why everyone wants everyone to be cookie cutter images. Didn't GOD create us all different?

Really, I think it boils down to the fact I want my mom's UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & SUPPORT.... is that too much to ask for from a mom?

- Confused, Upset, and don't feel like I healed anything today- Just opened up some more wounds------ who was suppose to pray for me today, I think they forgot...... :(

*A total setback*

-Jac

Day Nine

The number nine means Judgment- significant of the conclusion of a matter.

I talked with someone on the phone today about my "big rejection" actually the someone re-informed me of my "big rejection" in an actual formal business type way. See before I was told through the grape-vine. Now I know for 100% sure. I am so glad for the grape-vine. Because I might have had my nervous breakdown on the phone & now I was cool, calm, collected and I saw things NOT through rose colored glasses. Everything was still going to be OKAY~!

It's funny how you can spend 7 days trying to work out your own problems with out God. And how much healing you can experience with 3 days of Prayer & support from fellow believers.

Night-time of Day nine, I went to church, praised God and ate dinner with some of my new Fast Friends. Afterwards we went to fellowship together at one of their homes. It was an amazing time.

I was reminded. One drop of Jesus' blood was enough to cover all multitudes of sin.

I am thankful for my new friends in Christ.

I am thankful for getting the "big rejection"

I am thankful that he thought enough of me to send his own son to die even though I am not worthy of such Love.


--Jac.

Day Eight

The best way you know your healed or off to a good start at least.... is to minister to others or confront the past.

Yesterday, (day eight) a good friend called me and we talked for hours. I miss talking to her. While I was telling her what God showed me for myself days ago, I realized it also speaked to her life as well. It touched my heart personally to know that God doesn't just care for me, but he cares for those I love for as well.

He implanted a new desire in my heart to travel to New York with my good friend during my 24th birthday. How awesome is it to have desires again, when I felt so dead and empty? I love it!

My roomate was home & we talked as well. I enjoy his company. He really is a great person and he has a heart for people.

Lesson Learned on day Eight..........
God implants people on your path that can minister to your heart to help heal & you can do the same.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

------ James 5:16

Day Seven

Well what do I say about day seven. I didn't do much of anything. I woke up around 1:30pm. Yep that's right in the afternoon because I had nothing to get up for. Sad but true. I woke up to find my TV on. I must have left it on all night because I remember incorporating most of the info-mercials into my dreams. Especially about this one guy who would not be quiet and really liked hearing himself talk. (talk about an annoying dream)

But I found a common denominator in my dreams. Every time there would be a dominating person, I would always go against the grain. I would fight against their opinions and establish a following of believers in what I said to be truth. It was really frustrating but really cool. I actually fell in love with someone in my last dream. Right before I awoke I was cuddling with this guy in the mist of a downpour. And all of my followers & close friend where there and it didn't matter that it was raining all over us. In fact, we were playing a battle of wits against this other group. And I was getting angry at this lady hosting the program because she was always skipping over my turn. One question was "what things would you find on a bank robber?" I was like call on me I would know this answer.... but she skipped right over me when it was clearly my turn because I was next in line. I was furious!

Guess what? When I woke up at the end of this dream.... Family Feud was playing on TV. LOL hence the dream about a game of wits.

Which just edifies the fact that we are still aware of our surroundings while we sleep. If something is whispered into our ears we can just as easily meditate on it while perfectly asleep.

I think when you have a really great GOD dream it's because he's right next to us whispering sweet things into our ears.

I just love him.

........... so back to my day. When I finally got up and did something which was around 2:30pm, I ate something little and went to my parents office to help them out.

Afterwards, I rented a movie called the EVENING. Oh is so good. It brought a desire to have a passion for life again.

I want to go out NOW and experience life and make a bunch of mistakes. Cause in life there is no mistakes. :) I especially want to fall head over heals in love, I want to stand at the edge of the world amongst the oceans & feel the wind entangle my hair, I want to smell of sea salt and run up & down the beaches. I have so much of the earth yet to experience. And so many people of the world to love. I have passion again. I thought it not possible days ago.



There a lesson I learned today about healing. Get out and have a passion for life again!

FUNNY STORY.......
BEGINNING of DAY EIGHT....
As for this morning @ 2:30 am, I was out on the porch of my apartment enjoying the breeze and the sound of wind chimes. I laid down and watched the clouds roll by. And I began to sing any song that came to mind. And then I slowly drifted out of my mind while singing. And then I stopped.... to listen to see if the Angels where singing along. (which I have heard them before) You have to be still and know that he is God. Well just out of know where. I hear a noise.... and I focus into it to discern it... It's coming from above....... CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.. Oh how embarrassing I thought, who in the world is awake at this hourly? Surely I didn't awake someone because I definitely was not singing all too loudly, mostly under my breath and unto the Lord. It was humbling to know that I was not alone. Needless to say, I stopped, got up, and went inside for the evening to write this.

GOOD EVENING,
Jac.