Day Ten

Ten stands for Responsibility/ Accountability.

Probably expains why today really SUCKED!

I have a problem with my mom. I have an unhealthy soul-tie... with my mom. I want & need desperately for her to approve of me. If she doesn't say anything negative something in my life, it's a break through! But that happens just about every other leap year.

Example:

Today I told my mom that I want to go to New York & Washington, DC to visit my good friend & to celebrate my 24th birthday.

I think she about just jumped out of her skin. She called me irresponsible, stupid, and insane. She said that "unemployed people" don't go on vacations. They save their money & sit around and do NOTHING! They certainly do not travel for fun. This is not a time for fun my mom said, this is a time to find a job & make life changes. (such as working out daily & dieting, maybe take a guitar lesson or two) She says "you'll never get a job if you don't loose weight." People don't want to hire fat people, they think they are "lazy & fat".... "that's the way society is, I don't make the rules."

When she told me last week "find yourself" what she really meant was find yourself a Job! (rolling my eyes right now as we speak) Don't find yourself going out of town on low cost travel..... Don't have FUN! Be serious all the time & live life with caution.

So basically you're nothing if you don't have a job---

MY MOM's MATH:

Skinny + Good Clothes = Job

Job + Money = Purpose

Purpose + Boyfriend (Husband/ maybe some kids) = Being a Woman.


You can't truely live unless you have a desk with your name on it & a fancy title. She said, "become a teacher & travel during the summer" LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED FOR 2 YEARS NOW TO BE A TEACHER!

I just don't know what to do anymore to please her. If I please myself, she holds it against me. She lectures me and makes me feel incomplete. If I follow her advice, I resent her, for always being safe & never experiencing the things I long to.

I feel like I'm a rock in a hard place.

I have issues with my mom. I just wanted to be loved for who I am and what I am. If it's overweight & unemployed ------- why can't that be ok for this time in my life?

I don't understand why everyone wants everyone to be cookie cutter images. Didn't GOD create us all different?

Really, I think it boils down to the fact I want my mom's UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & SUPPORT.... is that too much to ask for from a mom?

- Confused, Upset, and don't feel like I healed anything today- Just opened up some more wounds------ who was suppose to pray for me today, I think they forgot...... :(

*A total setback*

-Jac

Day Nine

The number nine means Judgment- significant of the conclusion of a matter.

I talked with someone on the phone today about my "big rejection" actually the someone re-informed me of my "big rejection" in an actual formal business type way. See before I was told through the grape-vine. Now I know for 100% sure. I am so glad for the grape-vine. Because I might have had my nervous breakdown on the phone & now I was cool, calm, collected and I saw things NOT through rose colored glasses. Everything was still going to be OKAY~!

It's funny how you can spend 7 days trying to work out your own problems with out God. And how much healing you can experience with 3 days of Prayer & support from fellow believers.

Night-time of Day nine, I went to church, praised God and ate dinner with some of my new Fast Friends. Afterwards we went to fellowship together at one of their homes. It was an amazing time.

I was reminded. One drop of Jesus' blood was enough to cover all multitudes of sin.

I am thankful for my new friends in Christ.

I am thankful for getting the "big rejection"

I am thankful that he thought enough of me to send his own son to die even though I am not worthy of such Love.


--Jac.